Totally Gay
by sister-b
Summary: Doug and Dean have a little smoke and some conversation. Rated M for adult themes and language. Doug/Dean slash, mostly fluffy-ish, one-shot. Just for fun. :


**A/N: I just wanna start by saying that my dear friend, Loving Companion Cube, inspired me to do this. Her bemoaning the lack of Doug/Dean made me want to fill that gap. So...here's the result. xD (Dear god, I hope Andy Milder doesn't get hold of this... -_-; )**

**Anyway! I guess this would take place somewhere around S3? Not too staunch on the timeline. Definitely not trying for canon. LOL**

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Dean Hodes climbed into the SUV and slammed the door behind him. He gave a bitter glare to the man in the driver's seat, then sighed. "I don't even know why I'm here," Dean said. From the driver's seat, Doug turned his head and blew the smoke he'd just inhaled from his weed pipe into Dean's face. Dean nodded. "Oh right. That's why."

Passing the pipe to Dean, Doug shook his head. "You know, I should be wondering why I _let_ you smoke with me. Homewrecker."

Dean let out a short bark of laughter. "Me? What about _you_? Wife fucker..."

"Oh please, _you_ weren't doing anything with it," Doug said, repositioning himself in the seat to look at Dean. "Celia_ needed_ what I gave her because you wouldn't! You _neglected_ your beautiful, hot, sexy-"

"Spend seventeen years with her, and you'd be happy to 'neglect' her, too," Dean muttered, taking another hit off the pipe. "Besides, the way you're talking makes it sound like Celia slept with you because she was desperate." Dean began to grin.

"Was not!" Doug argued. "Maybe she needed someone with some substance."

"Substance?"

"A bigger _cock_," Doug clarified, taking the pipe away from Dean.

Dean chuckled, rolling his eyes. "Yeah, right. She said _I_ was bigger than a _black man_ she fucked."

Doug gave his friend a startled, confused look. Dean smiled triumphantly and nodded once. "Wait..." Doug said. "She fucked a black guy? When?"

Sighing, Dean shrugged and slumped down in his seat a little. "Sometime after she found out she had cancer," he said.

Doug began to laugh. "Holy shit. She must have fucked a black _midget _for _you_ to be bigger."

"Hey!" Dean protested, frowning. "I'll have you know I tend to be a pleasant surprise, so I've been told."

"Oh. Congratulations, then," Doug said, taking another puff.

"Thank you."

"You're welcome." The two men settled back in their seats, looking through the windshield at the darkness in the abandoned parking lot where the SUV was parked. Doug broke the silence by saying, "You ever done anal?"

Dean snorted. "No. Celia's already got a stick up her ass. I wouldn't be able to fit my dick there." They both cracked up laughing. After a few seconds, Dean asked, "Why?"

Doug shrugged. "Just curious. I've heard it feels good for both men _and_ women. Then again, _you'd_ know about that better than me. Tennis racket fucker."

"Hey, I'll have you know that was _amazing_," Dean said, pointing a finger at his companion.

"Wouldn't know. Gaywad." Doug giggled.

"You've never stuck anything up there?" Dean asked. "Like, out of curiosity?"

"No way. I'm not gay like you."

"I'm not gay!"

"Yeah, sure. Faggot."

"Hey, I _love_ pussy, all right?"

"Whatever you say. I mean, it'd explain Isabelle's being a carpet muncher. Gayness runs in the family, right?"

Dean punched Doug in the shoulder. "Leave my daughter out of it, okay?"

"Ow, okay." Doug pouted, rubbing his shoulder. "You ever...I dunno, kissed a dude?"

Dean looked over at him incredulously. "No. No, I have _never_ kissed a dude."

"Oh."

Silence hung heavy in the SUV for a few minutes. Finally, Dean asked, "Why, have you?"

"No, no. No. I told you," Doug pointed at himself, "not a faggot."

"Oh."

Another long stretch of silence. This time, Doug spoke. "You ever wonder why chicks kiss guys? I mean, it's gotta be weird kissing a dude with a beard, you know?"

Dean laughed, rubbing his own stubbled chin. "Yeah, like, _ouch_, right? Fuckin' sandpaper."

"I _know!_"

They laughed together for a few seconds. "Maybe we're just _really good_ at kissing or something," Dean said pensively.

A moment of silence as they both pondered the possibility, then Doug said, "You wanna find out?"

"_What_?" Dean's eyes were wide as he looked at his friend in amazement and slight horror.

Doug shrugged and nodded to himself. "I mean, we're obviously not gonna know what the draw is unless we...you know, _try_ it. Doesn't have to be a gay thing. I mean, I'm not gonna be touching your ass or anything."

Dean blinked in surprise at Doug's words. After a second of consideration, Dean asked, "You think we're high enough to do this?"

"Eh...yeah, probably."

Dean coughed and cleared his throat. "Um. Well, uh...I mean, okay, we gotta _promise_ no one else finds out about this. _Especially_ Isabelle or Celia."

"Or Andy," Doug added.

"Deal." Dean offered his hand for a handshake.

Doug completed the handshake. "Deal." The handshake lasted a couple seconds too long, and Doug yanked his hand away from Dean. "Ew, don't hold my hand, gaylord!"

"I wasn't holding your hand. I-" Dean shook his head, giving up with a sigh. "Okay, let's just get this over with."

"Okay." They looked at each other awkwardly for a few seconds. "Um...close your eyes or something," Doug said.

"Oh! Sorry." Dean closed his eyes obediently.

"Um, okay. All right. Here goes." Doug wondered briefly what the hell he was doing, then where his hands should go, then if kissing a guy even was _done_ the same as kissing a girl. Finally, he just shrugged and leaned in, his lips landing on Dean's. The two men stayed still for a long while, unsure of what to do. "Mmf...hm..." Doug vocalized, not really trying to talk, but needing to express his confusion somehow. He felt Dean's lips open slightly, taking in his own bottom lip and suckling it gently. "Mm..." Okay, that was better, more like a real kiss. Doug marveled over how it was almost like learning how to kiss a girl for the first time all over again, just more scratchy.

Dean just wanted to get it over with. When he'd felt that Doug wasn't going to move, he knew he had to force this thing to move along. That's when he'd opened his mouth just a little and deepened the kiss. Doug's little "Mm..." sounded appreciative, and the other man's mouth began to mimic Dean's movements. Now it was actually getting a little bit enjoyable, and Dean hesitatingly brought his hand up to Doug's shoulder. Just to steady himself, of course.

Dean's hand on Doug's shoulder actually pulled him a little closer, and Doug smirked into the kiss a little. _Totally gay_, he thought. The thought faded when he felt Dean's tongue touch his lips, drawing a little bit of a stirring in his camo shorts. His own hand came up to Dean's jaw—just to push him away if he got a little _too_ gay, you understand—and he tried touching his own tongue to Dean's. Okay, this was pretty similar to kissing a girl, too. Doug tried to remember the last time he'd been with a woman and just kissed. He figured it had to have been quite a while since this was feeling _way_ too good. Then again, the weed was probably having something to do with it. Yeah, that's it.

Dean shifted in his seat, trying to ease the tightness in his jeans a little without breaking the kiss. He was trying _really_ hard to make Doug finally pull away. That was why he was nearly panting and why his heart was about to beat out of his chest. Of course. All that effort. It couldn't be the feel of Doug's tongue on his own or on his lips or the little sighs and moans that Doug wasn't trying to hide. Why _wasn't_ he trying to hold those back, anyway? _Heh, fucking faggot,_ Dean thought. _He's totally into me._ He pointedly chose to ignore his own gasp when Doug bit down lightly on his lip.

Finally, panting and both painfully hard, they parted. Dean was the first to shrug and scoff. "Nothin' too special about that," he said. "Don't know why chicks get off on it so much."

"Yeah, totally," Doug said. "You know, if more chicks would kiss each other, they'd get much more enjoyment out of it."

"Yeah. Yeah, maybe, but...I kinda like kissing them, too," Dean said.

Doug looked over at him. "Well...yeah, true." He shrugged.

As could be predicted, the silence that fell was more uncomfortable this time. Dean finally spoke up. "Um. So...how was it?" he asked, glancing at Doug from the corner of his eye.

"Eh...not bad..."

"Yeah?"

"Yeah."

Dean chuckled, sitting back in his seat.

Doug looked at Dean again. "You hard?"

"Yes," Dean hissed pitifully.

"While we're doing the gay stuff, you want me to-"

"Good night, Doug." Dean climbed out of the SUV and walked as fast as he could without running back to his own car.

Doug leaned over the passenger seat and called out the open door, "Call me!" Dean flipped him off without turning back to look at him, drawing a shrug from Doug before he closed the passenger door and started the car to head back home.


End file.
